No Man's Land

Before I embarked on my recovery journey the questions who am I? Where does my personality begin and my mental health illness end? used to haunt me daily. I had lived with being symptomatic for nearly all of my life with not much stability in between. My likes and dislikes, my views and outlook on life changed more rapidly than most due to depression, anxiety, mania, mixed states, emotional dysregulation, negative judgements from others, stigma and discrimination, dissociation and paranoia, I was living in no man's land. It is common to have a lack of identity when living with a mental health illness, especially for those like me who has lived with a mental illness for many years, having a lack of identity is also a symptom of Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder. Although many people lack a sense of identity it does not mean that they are unable to discover and find the person who they are, who they always have been hidden amongst the mist of their mental health illness. Having a firm sense of identity is an important factor in the recovery process. I will document below many tips people use to gain, re-gain and maintain their identity.

Today I am so happy to be able to say I know who I am; I am a mother, partner, sister, daughter, friend and supporter. I am a mental health writer, and advocate. I have a great sense of humour, I am quirky, whacky,, shy yet outgoing, confident but anxious. I am a walking complex contradiction yet very simple and easy to understand once you get to know me. I am the person you see in the street smiling at you as you walk past, the friend laughing at the inside jokes, the daughter and sister at family gatherings. I laugh and cry, I fear and dream, I hope and give life all I have. You would not know I live with a mental illness when we greet because I am a lot like you. I do not have two heads or have Bipolar tattooed on my forehead. I am not Bipolar, I live with Bipolar. My mental health illness does not define who I am although it does explain the illness I have. When I relapse my illness distorts the way I feel, ,my thoughts, my likes and dislikes, my aspirations, self esteem and confidence. It may look like I am a different person, that I have changed when I am unwell however this is my illness not my core personality, my core personality does not change it always stays the same.

There are many things we can do for ourselves to secure or gain a sense of identity.

Write down or mentally log your likes, dislikes, characteristics, aspirations and desires when not symptomatic. It may be difficult at first but once we explore our thoughts and feelings it is surprising how much we are able to log.

Consulting others can be very helpful. Quite often if we loose ourselves or indeed do not know who we are we can find it very difficult to be able to log all of the above. Asking someone who we trust can help to confirm our thoughts of who we are at the core, or give us food for thought so we are able to explore this further.

Become an expert, your own professional regarding your mental health illness. Read about your illness, learn about your symptoms and learn how they effect you. For example a hobby or interest when you are well may become something that does not interest you at all when unwell, in fact you may even question if you really were interested in it at all. Of course everyone naturally changes the way they view things however if this shift happens only when depressed or experiencing other negative symptoms of a mental health illness, then it is quite safe to say this is the illness that is distorting the way you feel, however at the core is the same person you were before relapsing. Being able to recognise these shifts helps us to be able to identify and remind us of who we are at the core.

Mindfulness skills can be very useful as it helps to keep us grounded and present to ourselves and our surroundings.

These are just some common techniques I use which helped me to find out where my personality began and my mental health illness ends.

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