Psychosis And Me
Trigger warning, I openly discuss psychosis, some people may find it triggering.
I remember the last time I was psychotic as if it were yesterday, the sheer terror I felt was debilitating.
3 years ago……..
I switch on the tv and tune into one of my favourite programmes (Coronation Street) I start to panic as I hear the characters in the show talking about me so I turn the tv off as fast as my fingers would let me. I turn on my laptop and go on Facebook. My heart is beating so hard and fast it feels as if it is going to burst through my chest, to my horror posts my friends have written or articles they posted are sending me hidden messages about what people really think about me. I slam the laptop down on the table and leave the room.
I start pacing up and down the kitchen muttering to myself, there must be hidden cameras somewhere, everyone and I mean everyone knows what I am doing, what I am thinking and who I am. This isn't the first time this has happened, they have been monitoring me for weeks, reading my mind and studying my every move. I am too scared to tell anyone as if I do something bad is going to happen...They will kill me, the system will find me and they will kill me, I must not let them know I am onto them.
My children go to bed and I know I have to get some sleep, I haven't slept properly for weeks but would you sleep if you thought everyone was out to kill you? No I didn't think so. I lie on the sofa, staring at the ceiling listening to every noise the house made as it was settling, trying to calm my frantically beating heart, I was terrified, I was absolutely petrified of my own mind and of others, and that's where I stayed until morning.
The birds start singing their cheerful song as the sun starts to rise in the sky. I sit up and greet my children as they wake up and come down stairs, and then it came, all of a sudden there was an awful pungent smell. What is that smell? Oh wow it stinks it is so strong and no one else can smell it. It's death I can smell death someone is going to die, I am going to die. I open all of the windows and the front and back door I must get rid of this smell. Nothing and no one is going to save me I am running out of time.
This was just one day in my life with psychosis, I suffered with psychosis for roughly 4 months, it did start gradually and I knew I was becoming unwell well before I became psychotic as I recognised I was manic. That's when I asked for help from the mental health services, by the time I had an appointment (it took ages to come through) it was too late. I engaged with the psychiatrist but he was unable to spot the signs of my psychosis, so nothing was done. Over time I became very unwell, I didn't go out, wash, eat or drink properly for about a month. When my mother saw how unwell I was a doctor was called out to see me, I was eventually prescribed medication for anxiety and sleep. The doctor called the mental health team and I was eventually seen by a competent psychiatrist who prescribed me antipsychotics.
It's been 3 years since I last suffered with psychosis and I am happy and so relieved to say I haven't suffered with it since. It was a horrific experience and not one I would want to repeat.
For information about psychosis, symptoms and treatment click here.
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