The Side Of Depression No One Talks About

 Trigger warning.

I have suffered with depression on and off for as long as I can remember, its a debilitating disorder that can negatively impact all aspects of my life. I have relapsed just recently and been feeling quite depressed. Depression can hold me hostage and silence me, it makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed about experiencing symptoms not many people admit to. Today I break free from the chains and will discuss the other side of depression no one talks about in hope that it will help people to know they are not alone.

Every day living can seem like impossible tasks. I can go days without bathing or showering, brushing my teeth and my hair or even changing my clothes. Chores around the house build up and I can't even face going out to the bin in my garden to dispose of the rubbish. I have been called lazy when feeling like this, I am not lazy I am suffering terribly with depression. It's hard to explain to someone that has no clue what living with depression is like. Very often I don't care about myself and how I look, I don't care about the housework, in fact I don't care about anything much really to do with myself. I have no motivation but as every day tasks builds up it triggers my anxiety then I care too much, not about myself but about how others may perceive me.

I lie, yes that's right I lie. I am an honest person sometimes to a fault but when it comes to my depression I lie. I cancel plans with friends and family often saying I am busy when the truth is I am unwell. I am too embarrassed to have people come round the house when I can't clean up, I am too embarrassed for people to see me the way I am when I have not bathed in a while. I can't cope with conversations or putting a smile on my face and I have zero desire to socialise.

Intrusive thoughts haunt me. An intrusive thought is an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. My intrusive thoughts are very distressing and can pop up from nowhere. The thoughts I have are mainly around death, what if I die? what if someone I love and care about dies?

I can lie in my bed for hours, not thinking not doing anything just staring into space, the opposite of this is that I can overthink. I don't know what is worse, over thinking or not thinking at all?

I used to self harm when I was younger I cut my arms but then it turned into head banging. I used to head bang the floor or walls and hit myself.

Suicidal ideation, thank goodness I haven't suffered from this in a while but I have lived with suicidal ideation for many years in the past. Suicidal ideation also known as suicidal thoughts, is thinking about, considering, or planning suicide.The range of suicidal ideation varies from fleeting thoughts, to extensive thoughts, to detailed planning. If you are suffering from the devastating effects of thoughts of suicide please get professional help immediately.

I can dissociate when under stress. Dissociation is a psychological experience in which people feel disconnected from their sensory experience, sense of self, or personal history. It is usually experienced as a feeling of intense alienation or unreality, in which the person suddenly loses their sense of where they are, who they are, of what they are doing. 

Binge eating or not eating enough, I used to not eat for day's but I have been binge eating a lot recently and have put on a lot of weight. It's embarrassing to admit that I would rather eat 10 bags of crisps rather than cook as my depression makes it hard for me to cook a meal. It's embarrassing to admit that I eat a whole packet of biscuits to eat my feelings away, but I do and that is the cause of my weight gain.

Insomnia or sleeping too much. I used to go day's with not sleeping, now I sleep too much. I am fatigued all the time - exhausted and weak, feeling sluggish and have no energy.

Brain fog -a commonly used phrase that sums up feelings of confusion, forgetfulness, and a lack of focus and mental clarity.

Feeling guilty, gosh I feel excessive amount of guilt about the things I am not able to achieve and the effects it has on my loved ones.

I get headaches a lot and feel nauseous.

So as you can see depression is more than feeling sad and having a lack of hope. Depression is much more complex than that. Please keep in mind that depression is treatable, you can step out of the darkness into the light. If you are suffering from depression please speak to a friend or loved one and your mental health care provider or doctor.